Flunking the Parental Pop Quiz…

“Make me to know your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths.  Guide me in your truth, and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long”.  (Psalm 25:4-5)

So here’s my sad tale: Just walked into the house after a nice bike ride, and the phone was ringing.  I missed it, and no voicemail was left.  I guessed that it might be our adult son taking a walk during his lunch hour, so I tried calling him, thinking I was being kind.

When he picked up, he was clearly annoyed; told me he had called my cell phone numerous times.  I explained that we had just arrived home and I simply hadn’t heard my phone ring.  Was something wrong?  “YES!!” – he had just spent 20 minutes frantically looking for his phone which someone at work had moved without his permission.  He was furious not only with whoever had done this, but he was upset with me too for not being available when he felt needed me to help him.  He mostly just wanted support.  (He found the phone eventually.)

I went right into suggestions for fixing the problem so it wouldn’t occur again.  In hindsight, I ought to have simply commiserated with him, not given advice he wasn’t asking for.  You would think I would know better, being a trained therapist, but I guess I had on my old “parent hat”, a remnant from his childhood.  He clearly was unhappy with my response: “You’re not helping”, he sadly said.  I felt like I really flunked this unexpected “pop quiz” situation, and I knew we both knew it. 

So what are my options?  Obviously I need to apologize when I get the chance.  I’m feeling regret; however, that is a useless feeling because it’s just wishing the past were different which is an impossibility.  Remorse – feeling badly about my failure – is better; but repentance is best, for it demands that I change my behavior. But how, exactly?  I’ve got years of practice doing the “parental fix it” thing.  So, in prayer, I asked God what lay at the root of this rather ingrained habit.

What came to mind is my desire to eliminate the suffering of my children, as though I know better than God himself what “ought” to happen to them. 

In his wisdom and love, God has allowed these difficulties into their lives; they’re not good things, but they’re there for his good purposes.  Through our suffering, we learn our limitations and weaknesses, and can realize our need to depend upon God to provide whatever we need in those moments.  We can either use the suffering to distance ourselves from him out of anger and resentment, or we can move toward him, learning to cling to him.

Also, we have the opportunity to gain wisdom through our mistakes.  In wanting to eliminate troubles in my children’s lives (understandable as that might be), I am not helping them grow,  perhaps even disabling them a little.  And that’s not real love.

So what do I need to repent of in order to change this long-standing habit?  I need to repent of my distrust of God’s goodness.  I need to allow him to be my strength when I myself suffer along with my grown child in his pain.  I need to remind myself that Scripture promises that “all things work for the good of those who love God, who are called to his purpose”.  And what is that purpose?  “… to be conformed to the image of his Son…” so that we might resemble Jesus more and more. 

I’m sure I will encounter more “parental pop quizzes”, and I’m sure I’ll continue to fail sometimes.  However, I am grateful for this recent opportunity, for it helped me to see very clearly where I still need to grow, and the lessons I’m still needing to learn in this School of Love.