“Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another…” (Romans 13:8, RSVCE)
The term “loving detachment” originally came from programs such as Al-Anon. It is a process of learning to focus more on my own thoughts, attitudes and choices – what I actually have control over – and giving up the fruitless and frustrating attempt to get someone whom I love to change. It’s a challenging concept to understand (“detachment” can sound uncaring), and even more difficult to master fully.
How does “loving detachment” fit into the process of growth in God’s School of Love? I have a few thoughts which have helped me and which might help someone else find their way in their own situation.
First of all, love is defined as “willing the good of the other” (St Thomas Aquinas). I love another person by unselfishly desiring the best for them, their genuine human flourishing as beings made by God in his image. I demonstrate this heartfelt desire by actions: those which I am reasonably able to do; and those I am allowed to do, as often my loving actions are spurned or ignored by the other person because of their illness or brokenness.
Sometimes my actions are concrete and overt, actively helping the other person as they move in the direction of changing their life for the better. Sometimes however my actions are unseen: for example, when I fast and pray for an extended period of time for them, or sacrifice in some other hidden way.
The difficulty here is discerning what, when and how to offer something that is truly helping them, and not something which enables them by making it easier for them not to change. This can be very confusing! I can believe that I’m helping, when I might actually be getting in the way.
I must pray much and discern rightly: is God actually guiding me to do something, or is this just my own idea, arising from my desperation? And if I truly believe that I am being asked by God to do something, am I doing it out of obedience to him and not as an attempt to exercise “second hand power” in the other person’s life? Am I willing to do whatever God is asking of me even if it “doesn’t work”? These are all subtle traps, and honest wrestling in prayer is required for us to find the best path forward. A support group or professional counseling, and good spiritual direction can all be helpful in these difficult decisions.
What about “detachment”? If I truly realize that I have no power to choose for someone else or to effect change in their life, I am left with one thing: the responsibilities which love demands of me. Detachment knows its limitations because of true humility. It respects the other’s God-given freedom. Being lovingly detached means putting my trust in God’s power, wisdom and love, and not in my own actions nor in the strength of my human love.
As I entrust the other person to God, handing them over to him for his safekeeping, I can abandon the prideful, erroneous idea that I can accomplish the change that’s needed in another’s life. I can then choose (over and over until it “takes” in me) to trust God’s wisdom and not my own, that divine wisdom that alone knows “the end of the story”. I can choose to abandon my ideas about what “should” happen and when and how and trust God’s providence and timing.
Most of all, I can then rely on his love for my loved one, knowing that it is infinite, merciful Love, which (unlike mine) is pure and untainted by self-interest.
Lessons From Love School 