Forbearance…

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13, NIV)

Forbearance: 1. A refraining from the enforcement of something (such as a debt, right or obligation); 2. Patience; 3. Leniency. Synonyms: long-suffering, patience, restraint, self-control, mercy. (Merriam-Webster dictionary)

I like the dictionary. I often look up a familiar word in order to discover nuances of meaning that help me better understand and apply it to my life. Forbearance was a good word for me to check out.

Forbearance, to “bear with” another, requires many small, daily practices. It requires that I not insist on my own ideas of how someone “ought” to conduct himself or herself (especially when they do things differently from how I would do them). Rather than irritably reacting to these things, I am to exercise restraint and self-control in order to respond, patiently and mercifully instead. Rather than being harsh or demanding when I’m annoyed, I’m to “go easy”, making allowances for others in my mind. In short, I’m to be “long-suffering” despite my “grievances”.

Consistently loving the person(s) we live with (my spouse, in my case) without reacting poorly at times is the most difficult task of daily life. Little things become big annoyances, irritation rises up easily, and regret and the need for apologies ensues. We’re sometimes less merciful, patient and kind to our families than with strangers.

So – forbearance is called for, but how? I’m not to try to accomplish this by gritting my teeth, “gutting it out” in my own strength, for that isn’t love, it’s just tolerance. I’m to call on the Holy Spirit in prayer, of course, for it is the supernatural Life of Jesus within me who can do what I can’t, limited as I am.

And when I look further on in this Colossians passage, I also see the very action required on my part: gratitude. Three times in the next several verses, St Paul speaks clearly: “…be thankful” (vs.15), “…sing… with gratitude…” (vs.16), “… giving thanks…” (vs.17). I gradually discover that I can choose to command my will to exercise gratitude despite how I feel. I can remember that Jesus, out of his great mercy, love and generosity, found my loved one just as worth dying for as he did me.

And I can even perhaps, slowly, learn to grow in gratitude for the very annoyances and irritations themselves, for they demonstrate my continual need for God’s merciful healing in my own woundedness, a healing he is always generously offering to me.

And that’s easy to be grateful for, no matter how annoyed I become.